On Solitude

Having made a fairly big deal out of my [loner tendencies](http://offlineblog.com/backlog/2004/07/30/required-reading/) a couple of months back, it's weird to be feeling as I do.

I had a conversation recently with a really good friend where they asked me what the point was to a serious monogamous relationship, if sometimes you still crave variety or are not always perfectly happy with what you have. At the time, I didn't really know how to answer, so all I could say then was that it was a guarantee of safety. Knowing that when I got home, my life wouldn't have turned to shit while I was out. This is a personal history thing, and obviously it doesn't apply to everyone, but I was at a bit of a loss as to what else I could say.

Until this week.

It's funny. I am, beyond a doubt, a very private person at home. I'm comfortable spending hours in front of my computer doing little more than being away from everyone and everything.

But, this week so far, I'm finding that I'm not wanting to come home. The house just isn't right, and I knew why even on Saturday.

I miss having Char here.

Even if we're not doing something in the same room, or even if we're fighting about something, it feels right to know that she's here, and that -- if I wanted to -- I could just walk up the stairs and talk to her. This week, though, I haven't had that comfort, and I can feel a difference.

So, as to how this relates to monogamy and all that other rot...

I have something so good here that even a week of it being gone feels unnatural and empty. This is no more "my'" house than, I imagine, it would be "Hers." Rather, it's ours, and so is everything else that I've gained in the years Char's been with me. The idea of trading that in for a string of entertaining, but ultimately unsatisfying 'partners'... Well, I'd have to be insane.

I think that I've failed to accurately convey my feelings here, but I suppose the limit of my wordsmithing has been reached.

Comments !